I Don’t Deserve These Friends

I am an incredibly lucky person to have friends that are supportive. Incredibly. Lucky.

Labor Day, I went with my friend “Casper” the Friendly Trans, to meet my best friend from college, “Peanut Butter”, who is also my Best Man for my wedding. We got food (Shabu Shabu!) and talked about random things. Mostly Casper and Peanut were asking each other questions and I was crossing my fingers, hoping they got along and wanted to be friends.

Peanut and I consumed probably half the mornings reserves of meat by ourselves. And we were proud of it, dammit. And neither of us logged out calories for that day. We were content.

Also during lunch, I expanded the small group of people that get to know about my gender identity crisis, and told Peanut. I was nervous and not at the same time. I didn’t think that he would suddenly hate me or be rude.

However, I have been surprised before.

Flashback to 2008, the latter half of my Junior year of high school. I had just moved out of my abusive household to live with my mom, moving 700 miles away from friends and family. Mind you, previous to this move I had lived in that location for TWO years. The longest I’d ever been in one place.

I had already been exploring my spirituality in secret, since Dad and Step Mom were non approving of… everything…anyways. I was free to explore in my new home with Mom. I really started to feel like that part of me was accepted. So I wanted others to accept me as well. I hadn’t told my exclusively online friends about it, because there had never been a reason. But I was becoming confident. I felt I could be more expressive. I could be myself without fear!

I told my best friend that I was Pagan!

And she blocked me. Ignored me. Retreated completely from me. Was angry. Sent me upset emails. Told me I was going to hell.


And I haven’t spoken to her since. Never have I felt so hurt and betrayed. My BEST friend. I trusted her. I reached out to her. I tried to get her to understand I am still the same person! …Nothing worked. And I felt wrong, guilty, and felt my worth as a human being plummet. Not all of my friends reacted the same way, but it only takes one.

Flashforward, I’m aware it’s a possibility that Peanut will walk out. He’ll think the worst of me. Even though he was the factor that got me thinking about my identity. All it took was that simple question.

“What does [Lost Boy] identify as?”

He wouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t prepared for an answer. So I told him. And?

So supportive. Peanut is not just my Best Man, he is THE best man.

After lunch, I introduced Peanut and Casper to Boomers! an arcade/park. We chipped in for a ton of points to play games and played mini golf together. I’m introducing Casper to video games, so the arcade was really exciting for me. But we opted to do mini golf first. We were awful. Like. We suck at golf you guys. But it was so much fun.

At about the fifth hole or so, both Peanut and Casper asked me if I wanted them to call me by my -currently being tested- name. And use male pronouns.

And I swelled inside.

I probably didn’t let them see that, but I was elated that they cared. Casper knows what it’s like, since he’s just been trough this. But for Peanut to also offer and then go out f his way to use the pronouns and my name? I was trying really hard to contain myself. I don’t know what I did to earn such friends. I certainly don’t feel like I deserve them. But I couldn’t be happier to have them by my side.




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