Coming Out Continues

I’m hosting a game on Facebook that no one is quite sure I’m playing. I’m leaving hints. Any posts I make are all related to Female -> Male. I’m enjoying myself, and that’s all that matters. Mostly close friends all know now.

Family however is TRICKY.

I had to come out to my biological dad over Facebook. We’re not always on good terms. I could really care less about what he thinks or does…but the saint that is my betrothed is forcing me to stay civil. So, for the wedding, I decided it would be good for him and that part of my family to know who I am.

There are many ways and words I could use to describe my dad. Supportive is not one of them. However he is strong. While he did take it upon himself to kidnap my brother and I and lie to the court about my mom’s capabilities of being able to care for us after the divorce was finalized…he was able to support us. He took the responsibility of raising us and we were fed, clothed, and had a roof over our head.

Most of the time, we lived with family. Most of the time, it wasn’t food that was healthy for us. We never saw our dad because he worked to pay back the family that was helping us survive. But he got the job done. But when you raise a child, it’s not as easy as The Sims needs meters…There’s a SOCIAL aspect too.

 

**EDIT: At this point I went on a rant and deleted it. This wasn’t meant for me to gripe and bitch about how I don’t like him, however true that may be. Here are the FACTS.

  • I had restrictions on the color choices and gender of clothing.
    • No boxers, despite the fact I got and wore them anyways
    • No black clothes, because it implied I was Satanic and/or depressed (ACCORDING TO THE SCHOOL whom informed my parents of their assumptions)
    • More blouses, less T-shirts, and less/no choice of what the clothes looked like.
  • No attempt at communication
    • Dad set up a therapy appointment to find out what “makes [me] tick”. Instead of listening and trying to understand. Because he spends more time telling me his expectations than caring about what I think of those expectations
    • Due to frequent moves across the united states because my dad wanted to desperately to raise us, I have the social adequacy of a slice of bacon in the middle of a vegan restaurant.
      • Basically, if you want to know how I’m feeling you have to drill and ask questions and be fucking relentless. Otherwise I will answer you “Great!” “Fine!” “Not much!”. I share my feelings with no one. Not even my Cutie waifu.
  • No physical presence
    • Even if he was a communication expert, the fact is he was never at home and always at work.
    • Time spent together was usually me being scolded for:
      • Not cleaning something, complaining about my step-brothers for a NUMBER of things, being online/computer, something I wrote to a friend in a private note stashed under my bed…

I wish I could be making the last set of bullets up. But these are most of the memories I have with my dad are him or step-mom being angry at me for not being adult enough. I was 16 when I moved out. From what I can remember, these behaviors started when I was probably 12. I was just…expected to be an adult because they weren’t around/at home as much as I was.

So. Needless to say. Things got a LOT better when I moved out. My life did a 180, I learned how to be responsible and to be held accountable at my level of competency. I was responsible for the same things a 16 year old should be responsible for. I hated it. I was tired of being an adult. But it helped me grow. It helped put me where I am today. It also gave my dad a lot of time to reflect…on me being a lesbian. *cough*

Some point after not talking to him for…years. We talked over Facebook and we built a little bridge. It’s a flimsy bridge on my end at least. But at least he was willing to try and understand. Even if I know he doesn’t like it. Which is still hurtful.

I didn’t want him to come to my wedding and expect me to be something that I’m not. I’m not wearing a dress. I’m not a girl. I’m not his daughter. He’s not walking me down the aisle or having a dance with me. I know this hurts because I’m the only girl among my siblings. But it’s hard for me to lie to my family. So I told him in the NICEST POSSIBLE WAY…that I’m trans.

That was a little over a week ago. My step-mom, who has been more supportive than my dad and more so since I’ve left home, sent me a message a day after saying that she supports me and dad is coping with it.

I am not surprised or upset.

I feel like people think I should be, but my relationship with my dad isn’t strong enough for me to care much more than just being nice to him over Facebook. He made sure I didn’t die and taught me how to be an adult starting first grade when my parents divorced. If he’s accepting, I’d be shocked. I may build a stronger bridge. If he avoids it and doesn’t come out for the wedding? I won’t be surprised or upset. Because that’s what he’s taught me to expect from him. He’s not a part of my life. And the moment he’s finally out, I can stop addressing my step-dad by his name…I try not to, but sometimes I feel that I have to clarify…

(Fun fact, to show their support, my mom and stepdad watched a lot of LOGO tv and Big Gay Sketch Show…I love them.)

I’ll keep you posted on how my dad responds. If he does. We’ll see.

 

Expectations are set low so I’ll either be pleasantly surprised…or things will go as I expect.

8 thoughts on “Coming Out Continues

  1. “Those who matter don’t mind; those who mind don’t matter.”

    And I’m saying this as a person who isn’t entirely convinced about the legitimacy of dysphoria – though I welcome and seek evidence. Long as you aren’t hurting people, who gives a fuck and your gender? Of course, if dysphoria is entirely of psychosomatic origin, and you’re unintentionally propagating a form of.. mass-delusion, that could be harmful to others.

    But even in that worst-case scenario, the damage you could possibility inflict on society by legitimizing a falsehood, is minor relative to the myriad of crazy things people encourage – like Trump being voted in, or all the other crazy things religious people do.

    In summation: Fuck ’em.

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    • You sir have posted my favorite quote in existence.

      It’s basically how I choose the people I keep in my life.

      As for dysphoria, I really couldn’t say anything about its legitimacy as that’s not my field of expertise.

      However I can say confidently I didn’t vote Trump. But let’s see what happens. Protesting at this stage will do nothing but show off how immature liberals are about losing. Save the griping for when Trump ACTUALLY does something…/unpopular opinion.

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      • Hm. You would be the first trans I’ve met who doesn’t proclaim some degree of expertise on dysphoria. Good on you. Unless, of course, you don’t possess it. But I imagine you don’t want to talk about that.

        But, Trump.. what can be said about Trump that hasn’t already been said about America as a whole? The fool’s business experience might cause him to know when to hire people more qualified than himself. Or, perhaps, the chaos he causes will encourage America to realize that we need to stop fucking around with our government. What a fucking mess.

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      • I can say that I have felt ENVY in regards to the male body and even other trans bodies. But I wouldn’t say I have a constant Dysphoric feeling or something…

        He has some good ideas to reform the government and weed out some corruption. I legitimately agree with some of his ideas. But…morally and environmentally I simply don’t. I’m not terribly worried about him having “control”. There’s checks and balances for a reason. Even if the Republican party holds the majority in said Checks and Balances…not even they are stupid enough to follow EVERY single one of Trump’s ideas.

        I hope.

        Perhaps I’m giving the GOP too much credit.

        Either way, Americans are gonna be so goddamn educated on their rights as we deal with Trump. They’ll want to exercise those rights at every opportunity after he’s sworn in and starts to make decisions.

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      • Ya, he can only fuck up so much. Well, he could say some extremely inflammatory things to unstable world leaders, resulting in any number of chaotic outcomes resulting in human lives lost.

        That aside, people are stupid; I considered it a serious threat that he’d be elected. I suppose its a testament to how disillusioned I’ve become that I have no emotional response to the situation; I simply expect people to ruin everything around them – from a life proving that to be the tendency.

        As for your trans status. I imagine that, at this point, I would start saying things you would not want to hear, and may not be productive. So, unless otherwise encouraged, I’ll shut up.

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      • Haha, it’s been a while since I’ve had social interaction like this so… encouraged and welcomed.

        I agree that people are stupid. But I also think the electoral college is a piece of work..doesn’t really stop people from making poor choices. Clearly.

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      • Emm. I don’t know. I’ve made people paralyzed with emotional turmoil while I dismantled their religious beliefs – without intending to do any damage. I genuinely mean no ill, but truth hurts if someone doesn’t want to hear it. But, if you want.

        I suppose, in the trans community, I fall near the category of a “truscum”? Those whom argue that, without dysphoria, a person’s trans status is irrefutably false. Though maybe the truscum needed to be trans themselves? I do not know.

        Its not that I really care about one’s gender, mind you – gender issues as a whole are silly to me, as I imagine that sounds minds of any gender will arrive at the same conclusions and thus behave similarly. It just seems to me that, lacking dysphoria, transitioning would just be a ridiculous hassle motivated by impractical, and thus irrelevant, reasons. Again, don’t mean to be rude, just talking here.

        Obviously societal expectations placed on American females are absurd, so I could understand the desire to avoid them by taking a male persona. But, with advanced understanding of socializing, one finds that unfair treatment of genders is a relatively unimportant problem – in the first world, at least.

        Most people simply lack the intelligence and sanity to act morality, to understand the unmatched benefits of solidarity. So, you’ll be mistreated no matter who you are or what you do, why add more complications?

        Shrug. Again, its really, really not important to me. My only concern is the [relatively minor] negative influences on society it could cause – people do all sorts of counterproductive things while young and foolish.

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      • No, I think you pose a well thought-out argument to the idea of a trans person.

        Now, coming from a person who is not part of the Queer community in the most stereotypical sense of the phrase…I agree that gender issues are silly. I feel like people who aren’t sure of what they want go around using big words and pressing their ideas of what it means to be as if they’re suddenly an expert in the field…are immature.

        I have never been harassed or experienced the unfairness of being a woman. I have been paid the same as my peers or had jobs based on merit. No one has ever approached me in a way that I have ever felt oppressed. So I personally am not transitioning for those reasons.

        As I said, I do t hate the body I’m in. I accept it’s existence as a shell for my inner being, soul, whatever. It holds my brain.

        But if we are going to label people, because labels are comforting to humans, the body I desire is that of a male. I am far from being what society expects or wants from a female. So it seems that it would be more comfortable to assume that I am male.

        Or I’m making all this shit up and like to live on the edge and need to change my identity to feel alive again because I hate the person I’ve become.

        Possibly a healthy combination of both, haha.

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