Self-Loathing is my Curse

I don’t normally use the internet as a place to vent or rant. So this is your warning now to turn away and run as fast as you can, because it’s not a pretty sight past this text. This I can promise you.
Are you sure? Because I did warn you.
You’ll think differently of me if you didn’t already know this.
You asked for it.
Hi, I have self-loathing. You’ve probably seen my ego around- that’s my wonderful defense mechanism that tries to keep me safe from myself and from others. Ego says nice things about me. Ego accepts when nice things are said. But under that is really a torrential storm of self-hatred. I am my own worst bully and there is nothing a person can say to me that I haven’t told myself already. Or said worse.

Self-loathing doesn’t mean self-harm. I don’t hurt myself physically. I destroy my feelings and crush my inner voice. I put myself so far down and refuse help from those around me. Because I don’t deserve it. I think the kindness of others is pity or just fake.

I don’t say thank you when people compliment me. You’ll notice. I deflect. I ignore. I’ll even text thank you half heartedly (commonly this is often seen as, “gee thaaaankkkss”). I pass the compliment to someone I feel deserves it more. I push others away when I need them the most. I don’t want to text someone “Say nice things about me, so I can say thank you” because even though that is EXACTLY what I need to do…I don’t want to hear it either. I didn’t earn it. I didn’t deserve it.

So why am I choosing to expose the part of me I hate the most over facebook? For attention? For pity?
No, that is EXACTLY what I said I don’t want from you, fucking read it again.
My life is going through major changes. Everything about my life has been turned upside down. I have had some AMAZING friends be supportive and loving and caring and I hate myself for not being able to thank them properly all because I hate myself. I don’t feel I deserve the friendship and kindness I have been shown because I consider myself a terrible person.

I’m mean. I’m rude. I’m lazy. I’m unmotivated. I take the easy way out and run away from all my problems. I have trust issues when I meet new people- because I assume they will hate me and leave. Give up on me and leave. I’m afraid my current friends will give up on me and leave. Most of them have. And we’re ‘friends’ out of formality. I don’t expect those people to have read very far into this, if at all.

In any case, I absolutely hate who I am and what I’ve become. I am a 25, nearly 26 year old child who can’t cook or clean up after himself. I didn’t learn to drive until I was old enough to drink. I had no motivation to go to college until it was too late and I did miserably in high school. I have a college degree and a lot of debt in a field I got into because I thought it would be easy for me. And I was too prideful to stop myself from getting in too deep. The most consistent thing I’ve EVER had in my life was 8 years long. And that’s gone too. To me? I am pathetic. And I feel pathetic to write my sorrows to an internet post and hope some one cares to read. To expose myself to others and tell another person the shittiest parts of myself…isn’t brave. It’s sad.
I hate to tell any one, because for others…this is easy. My life could be worse. There is no contest when we start comparing. This is a battle that is easy for some people. But for me it’s a warzone. I have been told before by family not to be over dramatic on Facebook. And I shut down. No one wants to hear my problems. That why I put the disclaimer at the top.
I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Just to get it off my chest.
Normally, I’d write this and delete it. And keep it bottled up. But that’s part of what fucked me up in the first place.
And so there is no confusion. I don’t wish things were ‘easy’ or ‘different’. I wish I had the skills to pave a way for my future. A way to handle myself better. I wish for the motivation to change what I hate about myself instead of falling victim to sadness. And to myself.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I was going to say I’m okay and not to worry. But I am not okay. Still, you shouldn’t worry. Like I said, self-loathing isn’t the same as self-harm and I have no intentions of doing anything stupid.

I may hate myself more than any other person on the planet, but I know I can become greater than I expect.

And…if you have the same loathing problems? Remember to say thank you. Stop yourself and earnestly say thank you. Even if you have to compliment yourself and tell yourself thank you. All bullies are victims. So remember that when you bully yourself…that bully is a victim. And he/she just needs a hug and a few kind words.

6 thoughts on “Self-Loathing is my Curse

  1. It sounds like you have depression and low self-esteem, and perhaps other diagnosable illnesses. You may be able to overcome at least some of your problems (or learn to manage them better) by working with a qualified therapist. I hope you will get the help you need to be a happier you.

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    • I had to go through the motions of finding out if I was depressed or anxious and such when I first got my therapist for my transition. Luckily, no depression. I have sadness and no motivation but it’s not severe enough to call depression. Or consistent enough. Lately it could be because of the major changes in my life-size which automatically cancels out the possibility of depression.

      So I’m stuck to a therapist I see once every two months because there aren’t many near me. Yaaaayyyy. XD

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  2. Self-doubt is the beginning of maturity. Keep at it, and you’ll motivate yourself toward developing strength. You’ve been unfortunate, to be born to a generation, and presumably in a nation, that encourages whimsy, and frankly weakness, over maturity; had you been born to a culture which promotes strength and wisdom, you’d likely be a very different person: nearly everyone is dramatically modeled by their surroundings, being capable of embodying a very wide range of traits.

    What I mean to say is: you can change; it is not wrong to want to be strong. Everything merely needs to be done to the correct degrees: self-hatred is healthy in the right situations, as is self-love. And I highly doubt you hate yourself more than many, hell, I probably know a few people who hate themselves more.

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