Wild Ride

Hoo boy, where do I begin?

I was due to be married December 18th. Past tense. My ex fiancee` and I decided to break up. We’re still friends, but it doesn’t hurt any less…

We simply grew up and because of that, apart. Romantically, we’re not compatible. We don’t have a lot in common any more. And, because of a series of very unfortunate circumstances, our relationship became abusive without our even realizing it. It frightens us both and is sad to know it got this way without either of us realizing what happened.

It happened right before that appointment I told you guys about. Literally the day before. My therapist was really shocked and kind of concerned that I was taking it so well.

I’m not really taking it well. Humor is my defense mechanism and I know how to bury my emotions really well so that I don’t feel them. I cried a lot as the break up happened, because I didn’t want it to be true. But every hour after that, I rationalized it and logically…it all made sense. There’s still a hole in my heart, and I miss her like crazy…but it makes sense why everything happened.

And, it was a very tough choice to make so close to the wedding. I admire her bravery and honesty to break things off before the wedding.

So, despite the sadness, this does make me kind of excited. The next time I’m in a relationship? I’m hoping to be on T and have gone through top surgery. I want my next partner to know who I am. I mean…I won’t argue if it feels right to have someone in my life WHILE I’m changing…I figure it’d just be easier to have the bulk of it out of the way.

I wonder where life will take me now.