3

Holy Progress Batman!

I have an UPDATE my little trans folks. Aren’t you terribly excited for this?
So here’s the summary of what’s happened so far- which will take me to today’s update without having to deal with a weird segue.

I decided to transition- called up my health care provider’s psychiatry number to schedule an appointment. Appointments were few and far between due to the lack of qualified therapists available to handle the number of transitioning patients.
I had to talk a lot about myself- this was to determine if I was MENTALLY in the right place to be making this decision for the right reasons, as well to see if I needed to be treated for depression and/or anxiety.
Lucky me, despite my relapsing self-hatred, I really am a poster boy of mental health. (?)

After I talked the therapists ear off about my crappy past (with a smile, which sort of unnerved her…and how well I’ve dealt with my past) and what I knew about transitioning from my own research she talked to her clinician supervisor. And together they talked about my answers. Then they filled me in on what I still needed to know as well as told me to go researching things.

Was still a weird segue.

But after that last appointment where I got to meet the clinician supervisor, she said she would be writing the referrals for me to get Testosterone (after talking to the ___ doctor) and TOP surgery.

I am sorry!! I won’t be discussing bottom surgery at any length, because it is not YET on my to-do list! Getting rid of the obvious femininity is more important to me than having a dick. For now. So if you came here for bottom surgery related things? I can’t help. ;~;

Continuing on.
I have yet to hear back from supervisor or the doctors whom the letters of referral will be sent to. So instead of talking about surgery or hormones, I want to share with you the documents I was given. These are focused on FtM not MtF, but I hope they will give you an idea of what to expect.

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THIS. Wonderful paper. Is my quick guide to what I will expect and when I will expect things to happen after I start taking hormones. In my case, testosterone. If you have Kaiser, they will have this for you. Also if you’re MtF? I’m sure they have a different, yet similar chart!

The slideshow below is another packet which goes more in depth about what to expect from taking these hormones. There is also a checklist of understanding. This will help you to decide if you’re ready to make that step!!

Mostly? It’s health concerns. You’re trading in your female health concerns for male ones (or vice versa). Also, your body composition is going to change.

If you are obese you CANNOT take testosterone!***

(***Aletrick left a comment for me stating that this isn’t the case with his Healthcare Provider! Please make sure you check with your doctor about the requirements. I can only speak for Kaiser Permanente’s rules for getting your prescription. Every doctor will have different requirements before you are allowed to take T. So don’t be afraid to ask questions!***)

Your fat will start to store mostly in your stomach/torso. If you are obese, and your weight moves, it can cause serious health concerns! And I’m worried about you, okay? So if this is your situation, please message me!! I was on the cusp of obesity, but luckily I have some AMAZING friends and motivation that got me moving around and losing weight. I would LOVE to help and encourage you and offer you advice as much as I can!

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If you have any questions for me, please message or comment or whatever you’re comfortable with. I’ll answer the best I can!

 

And a special thank you to the Hogwarts Running Club for being supportive and the cool Slytherin looking out for her friend that gave me the motivation to stop being a lazy HuffleButt and give you all a REAL update!

Next time? I hope to update you on testosterone and/or social issues!

6

Self-Loathing is my Curse

I don’t normally use the internet as a place to vent or rant. So this is your warning now to turn away and run as fast as you can, because it’s not a pretty sight past this text. This I can promise you.
Are you sure? Because I did warn you.
You’ll think differently of me if you didn’t already know this.
You asked for it.
Hi, I have self-loathing. You’ve probably seen my ego around- that’s my wonderful defense mechanism that tries to keep me safe from myself and from others. Ego says nice things about me. Ego accepts when nice things are said. But under that is really a torrential storm of self-hatred. I am my own worst bully and there is nothing a person can say to me that I haven’t told myself already. Or said worse.

Self-loathing doesn’t mean self-harm. I don’t hurt myself physically. I destroy my feelings and crush my inner voice. I put myself so far down and refuse help from those around me. Because I don’t deserve it. I think the kindness of others is pity or just fake.

I don’t say thank you when people compliment me. You’ll notice. I deflect. I ignore. I’ll even text thank you half heartedly (commonly this is often seen as, “gee thaaaankkkss”). I pass the compliment to someone I feel deserves it more. I push others away when I need them the most. I don’t want to text someone “Say nice things about me, so I can say thank you” because even though that is EXACTLY what I need to do…I don’t want to hear it either. I didn’t earn it. I didn’t deserve it.

So why am I choosing to expose the part of me I hate the most over facebook? For attention? For pity?
No, that is EXACTLY what I said I don’t want from you, fucking read it again.
My life is going through major changes. Everything about my life has been turned upside down. I have had some AMAZING friends be supportive and loving and caring and I hate myself for not being able to thank them properly all because I hate myself. I don’t feel I deserve the friendship and kindness I have been shown because I consider myself a terrible person.

I’m mean. I’m rude. I’m lazy. I’m unmotivated. I take the easy way out and run away from all my problems. I have trust issues when I meet new people- because I assume they will hate me and leave. Give up on me and leave. I’m afraid my current friends will give up on me and leave. Most of them have. And we’re ‘friends’ out of formality. I don’t expect those people to have read very far into this, if at all.

In any case, I absolutely hate who I am and what I’ve become. I am a 25, nearly 26 year old child who can’t cook or clean up after himself. I didn’t learn to drive until I was old enough to drink. I had no motivation to go to college until it was too late and I did miserably in high school. I have a college degree and a lot of debt in a field I got into because I thought it would be easy for me. And I was too prideful to stop myself from getting in too deep. The most consistent thing I’ve EVER had in my life was 8 years long. And that’s gone too. To me? I am pathetic. And I feel pathetic to write my sorrows to an internet post and hope some one cares to read. To expose myself to others and tell another person the shittiest parts of myself…isn’t brave. It’s sad.
I hate to tell any one, because for others…this is easy. My life could be worse. There is no contest when we start comparing. This is a battle that is easy for some people. But for me it’s a warzone. I have been told before by family not to be over dramatic on Facebook. And I shut down. No one wants to hear my problems. That why I put the disclaimer at the top.
I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Just to get it off my chest.
Normally, I’d write this and delete it. And keep it bottled up. But that’s part of what fucked me up in the first place.
And so there is no confusion. I don’t wish things were ‘easy’ or ‘different’. I wish I had the skills to pave a way for my future. A way to handle myself better. I wish for the motivation to change what I hate about myself instead of falling victim to sadness. And to myself.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I was going to say I’m okay and not to worry. But I am not okay. Still, you shouldn’t worry. Like I said, self-loathing isn’t the same as self-harm and I have no intentions of doing anything stupid.

I may hate myself more than any other person on the planet, but I know I can become greater than I expect.

And…if you have the same loathing problems? Remember to say thank you. Stop yourself and earnestly say thank you. Even if you have to compliment yourself and tell yourself thank you. All bullies are victims. So remember that when you bully yourself…that bully is a victim. And he/she just needs a hug and a few kind words.